Awakening to my story

When I awoke from a coma in the hospital a few weeks later, I remember to the confusion – I did not know where I was, why I was there and what had happened, why I can not move at all, why is darkness around me when I have my eyes open and why I can not hear it when I speak. I felt it was really serious, but how serious it actually was, I could not imagine it yet.

When the doctor told me that he has to start lowering the doses of morphine, because they are very high and addiction is beginning to form, it started to be  clear to me that is far more serious than I thought. I knew that morphine was given in cases where the pain is so big that a person could die from that sense of the pain. When they started with the lowering doses of morphine, I had incredible withdrawal syndrome, an unbearable change of heat and chills, full body pain, dizziness, hallucinations, insomnia when you just say: “For God’s sake, let it end!”

After a few weeks it really ended. I got a tracheotomy from my neck, so I could finally talk and ask what has happened. When my mom told me I had a great deal serious injury, I fell from a great height, I have broken bones almost all over my body, a damaged number of internal organs, I have a hematoma on my brain, and it is likely to be damaged eyesight, so now I do not see anything around, and I thought, it sounds quite terribly, but it will not be so bad.

I do not know where the optimism and faith, that it will be good, appeared in me in that time. Now I know that the incredible miracle that I am still here happened thanks to my belief for life and love for it.

Later they told me that no one expected me to survive – Doctors gave me only one percent to live.

After the accident I spent a few years in hospitals – I went from one operation to another and during that I was planning a rehearsal at the Faculty of Law. I was happy with every little progress I have made – when I got up from the wheelchair, when I did take the spoon in my hand again, and eat by myself, when I was able to get to the bathroom alone, when I learned to control a computer with a voice output, when I tied shoe laces by myself….

They were small steps, but thanks to them I learned how to enjoy seemingly insignificant trifles that at first sight look easy but they can brighten all day and the entire inner universe.

So I enjoy the morning singing of the birds, the smell of the blooming jasmine, touches of summer breeze, leaves whistling in the wind, warm beams of the sun and all other beauties of the Mother Earth who surround me every day and which I am part of.

I have had 20 challenging operations and my eyesight has not yet returned. But I can not say, I’m blind because I see, I see differently, but I see and much more than ever before – I see truly, through my heart. I feel how trees, rivers, oceans, animals and mountains vibrate with life and how the heart of the Mother Earth beats for us all every day unceasingly as it beats the heart in each of us. I understood that only life in harmony with nature is existence full of life.

 

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